From -23 Celsius to +7, in a span of seven days.

I still have my long jacket.  Light shoes, in a short while the buttons get undone and the gloves are off.  The sun keeps its attention on us, the clouds cooperate by moving aside.  

A vendor has the fruit out for sale.  A sure sign if any of a warmer day.  

Walkers in downtown have come out to greet this day.  Some have a smile, lightness in their walk while others look preoccupied, maybe a frown or seriousness as they cheque their handheld device. I think to myself "they are not aware that they have a hand to hold, it's right next to them".  I walk on. Snapping fotos, looking at the advertisements.  I pass the row of pawnbroker shops.  Recall a time from over thirty years back when I had checked one of the stores.  Not remembering what had I come to pawn, but do remember walking away that I was not getting the market value or even the initial cost for my valuable. 

I keep walking, feel like a tourist a discoverer or an explorer.  

The clock on st James cathedral strikes a note, it's 1:15.  

Down church street I am now close to st Lawrence market.  Temptation of a croissant takes me inside.  I buy a baguette, memory takes me to the warm baguettes from a bakery in Paris.

A worker in the doorway looks at the passerbys and in a very loud voice shares with his co-worker that he has "let out gas", well of course be just used the one word for it, repeated it many times, descriptive of the occurrence and how he felt.  I keep walking, glad that I was not close enough to feel the impact. 

Another angry walker addresses the three girls who are covering the sidewalk as they walk.  I look up she keeps the "jaunt" in her walk.  

Here is another peace of art I captured in my exploration

I get up from the bench. The limbs a little stiff.  I see. A coffee shop behind me.  I get some tea, looking out the window, I sit with my tea.  A song plays in the background, keeps repeating the word "breakaway"!

The building at the corner of Church/Wellington/Front

And the other side of this corner building 

The ride home

A promise

It was a cold cold morning as I took the ramp from the highway to a side road.  I approached the red light and from a distance I saw this figure.   Very thin and a gaunt physique.  He was holding a cardboard sign.  My thoughts were on him, the cold day, and it touched me deeply.  As I fumbled for some change I was glad the light had turned red, and he approached the car.  I handed him the bill that was in my pocket.  I looked him in the eyes, noticing the lines on his face and thinking how life had weathered him, and said: "now you take care".   He thanked me and said "I will, I don't drink".  Then he leaned closer towards the car and said: "now you promise me that you will keep smiling!"  I smiled at him, with wet eyes I drove away and looked back at him through the rear view mirror. 

This morning the incident came back to me.   Each promise we make, to anyone, is a promise to ourself.  People are the conduit, a reminder.

"Fear knocked at the door, Faith answered and nobody was there.” - Unknown

Courage to face the fears, not to own them, to see how they guide my thoughts and actions.  

The faith in my strength.  No matter how broken I feel, I can build myself again.  

The energy that builds is by looking at my life in perspective.  Appreciating all there is, and turning the appreciation to gratitude.  

This is life.  Happiness is fleeting, and it returns.  Gratitude is expressed through the inner joy.

The fear returns, again.  

The courage allows me to dig a little deeper, find another root.  As I pull that root my world shakes, I lose my sense of self and identity.  My faith, appreciation and gratitude stabilize me.  Gives me the strength to live.  Joyful light shines again.  

Life I live you, with Faith and Trust in myself.

Friday, February, Fifth

Why the above date caught my attention?  i write as the thoughts appear in my mind.  My filters and my conditioning, at the conscious and the unconscious level, plays its role in what i say and write.

Trust Precedes Surrender, were the words in my thought when i turned to my phone and looked at the time.

How we learn Trust?  How we learn it in every incarnation?  As an infant I feel nourished, well fed, and even when I am not aware of my "unsafety", I am protected.  Someone is watching out for me.

My subconscious programming of self preservation begins.  When I learn to crawl, walk, reach, and explore, trust plays a vital role.  Confidence in myself begins to grow.  Pain, caused by anything physical or a disapproval, begins to have associations, as a sponge my sub and unconscious is creating memories.

With stories weaved, each time I feel "insecure",  in my sense of self that is developing along with my physical body.

I begin to trust in the "other", my parent, someone who will make me feel well and whole again.   The parent or the other reassures me that "it is okay", I learn to forget and feel playful and curious, again.

The above chain, begins to get broken links.  My memory stores that as faith or lack of in my "self".

As an adult when I began to recognize the broken links, I began to develop strategies to overcome my fear, faith was restored.  I trusted myself to trust again.

Faith underpins the trust I have.  That no matter how I feel right now will pass.  I will  feel whole again.  This is the trust in life and what life bestows on me.   To feel whole!

With a strong faith,  that supports trust,  I surrender my efforts.

What is the outcome or the result is not where I rest my focus, instead I focus "in doing what is mine to do".  I do what comes from the heart.  No matter how uncomfortable, I will breathe through this, and maybe revisit and ask myself "if it is mine to do?".  Answers always come.

What I have made my life purpose, and what brings me joy - is what makes my heart smile.